Forecast for 2024: Believe It or Not!
In the US:
· Fast-moving and unpredictable circumstances lead to the Republican Party nominating Chris Christie as their presidential candidate. “Let’s Roll” becomes the campaign slogan. He wins, defeating Kamala Harris, who, again unpredictably, emerges as the Democratic Party candidate, whose campaign slogan is “Let’s fake it till we make it!”
· Christie wins by a landslide. Appoints Vivek Ramaswamy as the Treasury Secretary, who takes over all the hedge funds, and makes Wall Street his HQ.
· Trump slips on a banana peel, falls, breaks his hip and a leg, and says “I have had it. Enough is enough”. Melania, the rumor goes, was eating a banana just before the accident happened.
· Elon Musk gets the “Neuralink” chips to work and wants to change the trajectory of human evolution. “A chip on your shoulder? Get rid of it. Let’s insert one in your brain!” “It’s the X factor,” he announces.
· Jeff Bezos, unnerved, gets on his mega-yacht, with his LatinX consort, and says, “I shall contemplate my next moves as I travel across the seas”. His yacht disappears in the Bermuda Triangle. Amazon Prime will be offered at $2.99 a month. Even yachts will be shipped free to the nearest marina.
· Prof. Claudine Gay will be replaced by Kamala Harris as the President of Harvard. “You get two for the price of one,” she declares at her inauguration and makes her husband Douglas Emhoff the Provost. Jewish students and faculty breathe a sigh of relief.
In India:
· Narendra Modi and his Bharatiya Janata Party romp home to victory in the General Elections held in May. Narendra Modi is inaugurated as Prime Minister for the third time. He declares that India will have a new constitution and names J. Sai Deepak as the Chairman of the Constitution Committee. He says his committee will only have two other members — Anand Ranganathan and Abhijit Iyer-Mitra.
· Narendra Modi changes the national motto from “Satyameva Jayate” to “Ram Nam Satya Hai”.
· Rahul Gandhi changes his name to Ram Gandhi. “They got stumped,” chortles Ramachandra Guha.
· The Rashtriya Swayamsevak Sangh will, readying for its centenary celebrations in 2025, change its name to “Antarsashtriya Swayamsevak Sangh” and plans to take over the United Nations Organization. “Our pracharaks and karyakartas will do a better job of serving the world,” Sarsanghchalak Mohan Bhagwat announces.
In China:
· Xi launches a Taiwan invasion. Fearing a global war the National People’s Congress quietly sends President Xi to a re-education camp in Uyghur, where he converts to Islam.
· Xi is replaced by General Yi of the Central Military Commission, who announces a stand-down of Chinese forces. “I will serve as President of the PRC for five years, and I have appointed Chief Justice Zhe as Vice President”. “From now on, the tenure of the PRC President will be for one five-year term,” he decrees.
· Gen. Yi asks the Taiwanese to take over mainland mega businesses and corporations. “The younger brother shall lead the family,” he declares. The Taiwanese will respond, “Xièxiè dàn bù, xièxiè.”
· Trump sends a message from Mar-a-Lago: “What can I have?”
In Britain:
· Prime Minister Rishi Sunak attends Prime Minister Modi’s inauguration in May. He is received as the Guest of Honor.
· Sunak announces that he will propose India be named the permanent leader of the Commonwealth. “You are the largest democracy in the world. We colonized you. Help us decolonize the world,” he declares. King Charles abdicates. President Droupadi Murmu is made the Head of the Commonwealth.
· There are riots in Bradford, Luton, Birmingham, London, Manchester, Leicester, and Dewsbury. Sunak asks Modi to send the Sikh Regiment to help quell the riots. All the Khalistanis board the next flights to Toronto.
In Canada:
· Justin Trudeau continues to skate on thin ice. “If only they had a ‘thin ice’ event at the Olympics he would win by a mile, Canadian talking heads claim.
· “He is welcome to join us as an honorary member any time,” the Sikhs for Justice leader Gurpatwant Singh Grewal said in a video message recorded in a CIA safe house.
· It continues to be cold nine months a year in the country.
In France:
· President Macron is re-energized after participating in the Republic Day celebrations in India as the country’s chief guest. He invites Prime Minister Modi to attend the inauguration of the Olympic Games in Paris.
· Prime Minister Modi, fresh from his third victory as Prime Minister of India poses with a bow and arrow along with Macron at the inauguration ceremonies. “Ramchandra ji waapas aagaya,” say the memes created by BJP’s IT Cell.
· Michelin announces that ten Indian restaurants have been awarded a Michelin Star, and five of them serve only vegetarian food and no alcohol, they add.
In Russia:
· President Putin announces that he will not run for President. Calls for a ceasefire in Ukraine. On his way to his grand dacha, “The Fisherman’s Hut,” he collapses and dies. There is a rumor that he was poisoned. Who knows?
· President Zelensky resumes his role as a TV anchor in Kyiv.
In Israel:
· All the tunnels in Gaza are destroyed by the end of February. Quietly, some of the Hamas leaders who survive the Israeli onslaught make their way to Qatar, where they are all given multi-million-dollar mansions guarded by US Mercenary Groups.
· Netanyahu resigns in March. There are four elections, one every two months, following his resignation. “They are like that only,” says Prime Minister Modi.
In Saudi Arabia:
· MBS will announce that Saudi Arabia’s Public Investment Fund will be buying ATP, NBA, MLB, NFL, Bundesliga, Premier League, the Olympics, and Formula 1. “Every four years, the Olympics will be held in Riyadh,” he said, adding that he is thinking of asking Prime Minister Modi whether he can bid for the Indian Premier League. “Also, the world can keep the NHL, the Canadian Football League, and the Rugby League,” he is said to have told his advisers.
· “We will divert water from the Caspian Sea to turn Saudi Arabia green again,” he will also announce, as he engineers a coup to overthrow the mullahs in Tehran. “We need to get to the Caspian Sea the quickest route,” he will proclaim, ignoring the fact that the Caspian Sea does not have fresh water.
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